Catch Up

Yet again it seems I have been ignoring this blog.... I have an excuse this time... We still dont have internet and home phone. I get a slow connection off of my husbands cell card but thats about all.... So I will try and do a mass update as to what my life has consisted of over the last month....

We went and picked up a couple of cats. We found evidence of mice in our Garage (Thank goodness its only the garage) and needed some good mousers!! So meet Mom (Chleo) and daughter (Zoey).





Lets see I also made a Diaper Cake for a friends Baby Shower.... She was due on Christmas day and had her daughter a couple of days before December!! Our babies would have been less then a month apart!!!



I also decided that since we have a big house now that we would host Christmas!! Was it ever fun!!! We had a Tobagan Run with a jump, A Snowman Building Contest and a Chinese Gift Exchange. As well as Turkey Dinner. I also spent 5 days Baking.......

Here's a couple of pics of the main level of our house, before anyone arrived! Don't mind the messy Kitchen, as I was cooking a few things...
Oh yeah and the Christmas tree was a tree cut down on our own property, 11 feet tall!







Here is a few pics of the baking I did...... Cashew Cookies with Butterscotch Drizzle, Hazelnut Caramel Chocolate Cups, Spritz Cookies, Chocolate Mint Stix, and Shortbread with a Kiss!






I think that about catches everyone up on the month of December! Oh wait its January now..... better get started on another post... lol!

Happy New Year Everyone!

This last year brings about great confusion for me..... Am I happy to see it go, or sad? One of the best things happened to me in 2010, but then a short month later the MOST tragic thing ever happened..... I will always love and remember you peanut, but I think I am relieved to see 2010 go and am hopeful for a GREAT 2011!!

The dreaded day has come and gone!

Yesterday was my Expected Due Date and I was dreading this day for many months now. It started out Sad but half way through got pretty good. Friends of our invited us over to hang out and stay busy..... Little did I know that they bought us gifts.... So very nice (not necessary though..) I got a beautiful boutique of 18 roses, and a wonderful Journal. They also bought Mark some chocolates and we played a fun game of Ticket to Ride (which I miserably lost at!)

Its hard to think that 9 Months ago we found out that we were expecting our own bundle of Joy. The plans we had already made in those 4 short weeks following..... Already looking at Strollers, Car Seats, Bedding, Nursery Ideas, Names and even told a few key people. I was on cloud 9, this was really happening.... I was going to be a mother and in 9 long ( so i thought then) months I would be going to the hospital to give birth to a little human that out of Love Mark and I made together. I would be responsible for a life that would mean more to me then my very own.

Obviously that's not how it turned out, instead I am sitting at home blogging about the pain. I miss my baby so very much and wish that he/she was here with me today.
Maybe one day my dreams I had those few weeks will be brought into reality.... For now I just keep trying and waiting to find out when we start a new adventure...

God I pray that you have a healthy baby for Mark and I soon.

We love and miss you very much Peanut.

Memorial Candle

So tonight my Husband and I light a candle in memory of our precious baby. I know that we were supposed to do it yesterday, but we were not at home yesterday.

We lit a Candle and and read 3 poems. One of the Poems is the one below in yesterdays post, and 2 others were ones we found on line. We also listened to a couple of songs as well and just spent some cuddle time on the couch talking about our Peanut. It was a hard thing to do, but very much needed. We both miss our baby so much.

This is one of the songs we listened to...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSYvT-Qv_5w

Also here is a pic of the Candle we lit...

Oct 15th

Today, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Being 1 of the 2,000 women who suffer a pregnancy or infant loss everyday, we are remembering our little one who is with Jesus now. Please join with me and pray for all the women,
fathers and families who are affected by miscarriage, stillbirth or...infant loss each day.

Today is a particularly hard day for me, I am very sad. I went to the Dr's on Wednesday and got told that she believes that I have a lot of PCOS tendencies and that before she is willing to intervene medically that she wants me to loose 30lbs first. I know that I have to loose weight, but 30 lbs.... That could take me like 3 months. I have already waited 15 months, and dont want to wait anymore. I am just sad and want my baby back. I would be 32 weeks today and only have 8 more weeks to wait!! Thats less time then what it could possible take me to loose the weight. Looks like I might have to go through December 10 ( my edd ) without another pregnancy to distract me.

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!

MOMMY AND DADDY MISS YOU VERY MUCH PEANUT!! I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER THE MORNING I SAW THOSE 2 PINK LINES. I WANTED YOU SO BADLY TO STAY HERE WITH US!! LOVE YOU PEANUT!

New Day!

So this Thanksgiving has been hard for me. I keep thinking about the things I dont have ( and should ) but this morning I woke up with a new outlook on things. I have lots to be Thankful for.....

My wonderful and caring HUSBAND
The friends I have made here in Vernon ( such good quality people )
The house we just bought
The new job I have started, and am learning
My Monday night Bible Study ( wow, is all I can say )
Living so close to my parents now (1hr away)
But most important FAMILY who is always there for you when the times are tough and when they are great! Family who never leaves your side! I never had much of this growing up and sure am Thankful for it today.

I cant dwell on the things I don't have and may so desperately want, but look to the things I DO have already! The things that will only be enriched when Mark and I get that family we so desperately want.

Happy Thanksgiving!!! Its Turkey day tomorrow.

I remember thinking that all the holidays would be so exciting this year, especially Christmas. I would have been 31 weeks along for this turkey day, but instead I am still struggling in adding to our family. Its days like these that make it so difficult to understand and accept that this has happened to us...

On a happy not we signed our papers for the house yesterday and now own a 3200 sqft home on 10 acres in Lake Country. I am so happy and excited to move in.... in 2 weeks. So much to do in so little time!

Here is a picture of the back of the house ( just keep in mind its been vacant for a while and needs alot of work)


Also this is our view from the main floor ( you can see Okanagan lake from the main floor)

Sick!!

So I have booked my first appointment with the Fertility clinic in Kelowna for October 13th.... So excited that I am only having to wait 2 weeks to see them, 1 week from today.

I am Sick.... I have 3 clients and all 3 including my supervisor (which I worked with a few times last week) were sick last week, it was inevitable I would get sick too I guess. I hate being sick, but just have to suck it up!

I feel better this week about my time of waiting. Even though nothing really has changed too much. Still waiting on the house and on getting pregnant and on feeling confident in my job. I think though that through my anxiety and stress last week came a growing period for me internally. God is great he gives you adversity that he know will grow you as an individual only for the better. I feel more confident and a lot stronger this week, as I continue to deal with all of this.

Well that's whats new or not new with me this week. Thanks for reading!

Do you see a reaccuring theme?

Its been so busy in my household at the moment ( and not always good stuff ) that I have not had a chance to blog. So here is an update...

I have started a new job, working with Children that have Autism. So far it is really great but so very overwhelming to me at the moment as I am just starting this week. I want through training (which used to be done in 2 weeks is now done in 2 days) which caused serious brain overload!! When I went and watched my first session I felt somewhat better about the techniques, but overwhelmed about all the data to record and how I was going to know all the different programs I have to administer... I start doing my very first session alone on Thursday already.... oh my!

We are also purchasing a house and 10 acres just outside of Vernon ( where we currently live ) and there have also been a few set backs that have come up. It is a pure WAITING game with all of this, and better work out since we have a signed lease agreement with Tenants ( to rent our current home ) for November 1st and will be homeless otherwise.

I also had a dr's appointment last week to discuss 7dpo blood work. I had mentioned to her before that my Lp was a bit on the shorter side and was worried that my progesterone was low. She never was concerned about it before and told me pretty much that I was worrying to much over everything "pregnancy" related. I keep getting told by her to JUST RELAX!! anyway back to the results.. lol. So it turns out that some of my levels INCLUDING progesterone is LOW! We have also hit the 14 month mark since the beginning of TTC ( trying to conceive ) so she has given us a referral to a fertility clinic in Kelowna. I am very excited to go for my first appointment with them, even though they have not called me back yet to schedule one.... Again WAITING!

Sorry for not blogging I will try to be better.... you'll just have to WAIT and see if that works out.... lol! Thought I'd share in my WAITING!

Life can get better anytime now.......

This year is more than welcome to be over soon, It has been a rough year for my husband and I.

Lets start off with some positive though....

Mark and I just got back from 2ish weeks of vaction (which was very much needed) on Sunday. it was great started off with a couple of days in the shuswap, then off to Vancouver for the PNE and the Aquarium. After that we drove back to the Cabin for another night and then off to Kimberley and Cranbrook for 5 days. It was wonderful, we stayed in a B&B ( the first time ) and had wonderful food every morning. We did several activities while there including 4x4ing up Baker mountain in Cranbrook in a Tracker. So much fun!

We were having a great time, even a scenic drive home on Sunday.... Until.....
We got back into Cell range at 8pm, when we received a text from Marks cousin that his Opa had passed away earlier that day. If that wasn't bad enough I get a call at 830 this morning to find out that my uncle was in a Motorcycle accident and is in critical condition.

When life gets crappy it really gets crappy!

Void to be filled

I am not sure why this birthday is bothering me so much..... but it is!

I am going to be 28 tomorrow and what have I accomplished??

I own a House, Dog, 2 Cars, and have a Husband.

No Career and most important NO CHILDREN!!

I feel so incomplete with knowing that there is no one out there that needs protecting, and runs to me when scared. No One to snuggle to sleep, or to push on the swings. There's no one with my Eyes and Marks nose, No one to greet you at the door when returning from work. No One to call out I love you Mommy, You are the best Daddy!

I keep getting older and still want 3-4 children when is my body going to understand that I have an expiration date, and it needs to get its butt in gear!

When will this void be filled???

Annoyed!

I need to vent!!!

Here's the situation my Husband and I live in a Townhouse complex and share a common area with 4 other homes. We have a single car garage and room to park a car in front of our door and in front of our garage (Which is private property and paid for by the home owners (us)) So since we have lived here almost a year now there has been several times where we have come home to our neighbours company parked infront of our garage!!

IT HAS HAPPENED YET AGAIN!!! I am so fedup with this......... Anyway Mark went to the neighbor to ask him to move the vehicle and he was very rude about it.

I hate communal living!

Okie I feel a little bit better now.....

Success!

So I am done baking my Cinnamon Buns......

They are wonderful.... Lots of work but worth every bite, lol!

Here is the link to the recipe

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Cinnamon-Rolls-II-2/Detail.aspx

Before going in the oven


After Being Iced


Final product

baking experiment

I went to the farmers market this morning for the first time with a friend and her kids. It was alot of fun!! Thanks Caroline!

So I am going to attempt to make Cinnamon buns this afternoon. I have never made anything with yeast in it before so this should prove interesting... I am excited to see how they turn out, actually I am more excited to TASTE how them... lol
I will post a picture of them for you all to see, good or bad.

So this is officially my 2nd of no work and so far I have made myself be quiet productive.. i have steralized a few dishes that needed to be done since I just got them as gifts and cleaned/organized a couple of cupboards to make room for the new additions. That brings me to another topic....

Kitchens need to have more cupboards. I never seem to have enough room in my kitchen for everything...... Maybe I have too many gadgets.... I use all of them though... Anyone else with this issue? I try not to fall victim to having the newest and greatest of gadget (since there is a gadget for almost any task done in the kitchen) but there are some kitchen gadgets I could not live without.... My Kitchen Aid mixer ( most important ), my food processor, Great set of knives, Crock Pot, Blender, Barbecue tools, Wok, Grill, are to name a few important ones.... Not to mention that these items are not small in size either and take up a fare amount of room.... Okie my rant and pointless babble is over with.

I have a secret

I have a secret, I feel like i can share with everyone now.

Almost 3 months ago my husband and I went through a Miscarriage. It was completely devastating for both of us. We had been trying for awhile to get pregnant, ( 8 months to be exact) and when we found out we were pregnant we were both so excited!! Finally I was going to be a mommy......

I thought I was handeling the miscarriage really well but this last month or so I have realized that its been the opposite. I have tried to bottle the emotions and shove them deep down. They are starting to fill the bottle and overflow into my daily life. I came to realize that if I dont confront them and deal with them that I am just going to keep getting worse not better. So I have decided to leave my current job and start the healing process my body and mind needs so desperately!

Now that I have this out in the open you may find that it becomes another common topic of mine.....

I will give you guys the details as to what happened in another post..... for now I am happy to get that off my chest and share it with all of you!

Thanks for reading my blog..... I could use all the support I can get.

do you read my blog?

I am not too sure if I should keep this blog or not.... Is there anyone out there that even reads it???

Please comment if you read my blog and if you want me to keep blogging..... granted i havent blogged in over a month, but will start up again if anyone enjoys reading this..

Thanks

couple of great recipes

So I made a really goo pork tenderloin tonite on the bbq, and for desert an amazingly yummy cake...

Check out the recipes..... (I only marinated the pork for 7 hours)

Marinated Pork Tenderloin

Prep Time: 10 Minutes
Cook Time: 20 Minutes

Ready In: 6 Hours 30 Minutes
Servings: 4

Ingredients:
1/4 cup soy sauce
1/4 cup packed brown sugar
2 tablespoons sherry
1 1/2 teaspoons dried minced onion
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 pinch garlic powder
2 (3/4 pound) pork tenderloins

Directions:
1. Place soy sauce, brown sugar, sherry, dried onion, cinnamon, olive oil, and a touch of garlic powder in a large resealable plastic bag. Seal, and shake to mix. Place pork in bag with marinade, seal, and refrigerate for 6 to 12 hours.
2. Preheat grill for high heat.
3. Lightly oil grate. Place tenderloins on grill, and discard marinade. Cook 20 minutes, or to desired doneness. Slice into medallions, and serve.


and for the cake go here...

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Chess-Cake-2/Detail.aspx

dentist time

Just got back from the dentist.... my left side is really frozen, causing me to have a bit of a speech impediment... lol fun times!

I am very grateful for benefits.... almost 700 dollars worth of work this go around and only had to pay 200 of it!!

I could use my own freezing tool, cause I know that I am going to be sore tonite..

Success!!!

I am addicted to scrapbooking...

I am just starting out so I need to learn so much about techniques and layouts etc, but for my first go at it I think I did pretty good......

Tell me what you think..

new adventure!

I am so excited Caroline and I are starting our own craft night. We are going to have craft night on fridays... and I am starting to tackle scrapbooking, first project our honeymoon... Not too sure if I am creative enough, but I'm going to give it a go. I went and bought a bunch of pages, borders, adhesives, deckles and such as well as 58 pictures printed. Now all I need is the creativity...

Wish me luck!!

Need some recipe help please!

So it looks like I went meat crazy at work when we were having our meat sale. I have a bunch of ground turkey and beef, in my freezer!!

Do any of you reading this blog have any good recipes using these ground meats??

Anything new around here?...... Not that I can think of... Still struggling with trying to make our family a family of 3!

I am still around...

Sorry for not writing a post any sooner. I have had some really great things happen to us, and then a really bad thing! One day i might be able to share the details with you...

I have not been up to too much lately. Just the same old same old. I have to get used to blogging again, just wanted to let everyone know I am still here!

Stay posted for more posts to come.

Emotions..... Wish we didnt have to have them somethimes!

Tonight was a very emotional night for me, and I need to get this out. At bible study tonight I finally came out and asked the pastor in privacy if he would pray for Mark and I in our attempts at conceiving. The pastor and his wife are becoming our good friends, and I have not shared this with many people. I guess I felt unworthy of prayer. I felt like I would be burdening him with my petty request. How silly is that! I started to blame myself for not being able to get pregnant, even though all of my tests have come back normal. Its such a personal struggle within myself to believe that I am doing everything right and not to worry! I want to be a mom so badly that I feel like I need to fix me so that I can fix the "problem" with us not achieving pregnancy as of yet!

Also for all of you believers out there if you could say a prayer for a friend of mine who may be going through a possible miscarriage I would GREATLY appreciate that!

simple days are the best

I had a really great day today! Mark took the morning off, since he is working half of Saturday.... I didnt even need to ask him, he offered. So sweet of him.

So the day started off with pouring rain but that didnt ruin our day! We took the dog to the dog park in the rain it was great. We were the only ones there! Dex loved having the run of the park!

Then we went grocery shopping and had lunch at Quiznos, all by 1230. Came home ate our subs and played Super Mario for Wii. Then it was 2 and mark had to work, It was a wonderful day!

Oh how the most simple of days are the best!

Results

I am back, just got back from my Parents place tonight. So to let everyone know about my doctors appointment, like I promised!

first off we sat there for 40 minutes waiting to see the doc.. Whats the point of making an appointment?? Just a tiny rant...

So we go into see her and she doesn't have all of the test results back.... GRRR I have been waiting over 2 months for them... Oh well the ultrasound to determine if I have PCOS was in..... I am free and clear of it!! NO PCOS for me!!! That was wonderful news! All of our results have come back "perfect" so I guess its just a waiting game for us!

I am happy about that but also worried that we are just going to end up with "unexplained infertility"...

So my next step is to try eating healthier and losing some weight! That in itself is a personal battle for my husband and I!! I have gained and lost the same 50 pounds for several years now.... Its time to get this under control! Any support and encouragement is welcomed!!

I will be a mother, I will be a mother, I will be a mother!

A Secret Revealed

My husband and I are currently in the process of trying to conceive. Its been a little while now since we started and still nothing as of yet....... We had some tests done and so far nothing overly alarming.... We are going to the doctors tomorrow to get some more test results... I hope to have some answers by the time I leave there and a plan.

I have been struggling with whether or not I was going to even mention anything about TTC on this blog, but have decided to share. I guess I am scared to really let you into my world... For several months now thats been my whole world, trying to get pregnant. Oh how I would love to make my husband a daddy!!

Be warned though, now that this cat has come out of the bag it is going to be a main subject of mine... One that I struggle with everyday!!

Wish me luck tomorrow please!! I wont be able to update until Sunday evening though, since I am on my way to my parents place in the Shuswap!

Healthy ='s Weird.......

Okie here goes my first mini Rant!!

Why do people associate healty food with not pleasant food??

I work at an Organic Grocery Store, Natures Fare. Last night I had a lady come in and ask me if we had any "Normal Juice" I told her that we had plenty of Juice in our cooler and most of them taste "normal". I then overheard her talking to the Bistro staff wondering if there were any "weird" ingredients in our Lasagna??? Like what chickens feet.....lol at least thats what i thought to myself. She then came up to pay and had 3 GOOD sizes of Lasagna which cost her 16 dollars.... She was very shocked it cost that much and said she had seen a sign for 2.38 a slice..... YEAH RIGHT we couldn't even make an all Organic Lasagna for that price... lol!!

Anyway thats the end of my rant...... Why oh Why is healthy associated with Weird??

It Got Me!!

As much as you plan for it, and make sure you are fully aware of it it still manages to get a hold of you and play its nasty little game. If you haven't guessed yet I am talking about the TIME CHANGE!!!

We were fully aware of it last night. So much so that my husband set his Iphone to manually change the time just incase it didnt do it on its own. We both have an Iphone and we both use it as our own alarm clock. I myself did not touch mine to see if it would change on its own. If it didn't it wouldn't have been a big deal since marks was changed already (or so we thought)

This is how I came to the realization that I fell victim to "Time Change"

7am my alarm goes off (I have that alarm set everyday to take care of something)

Husband turns over to check his alarm

Sarah: Don't worry its just my 7'oclock alarm........... What time does your phone say??

Mark: 8, I guess your phone never changed....

Sarah: I'll change it later see you when the next alarm goes off!

9am Alarm goes off again ( so we are lead to believe )

Get to work ( I am doing one of the opening shifts )

Co-Worker: Youre are here early today!!

Me: Nope right on time actually

Co-Worker No cause I just changed the clock forward you are an hour early!!

So I called my husband back since he dropped me off..... (I work downtown and there is no parking)

I am an hour early Mark, you need to come back and get me please...

His reply.....

Oh I wondered why the clock in the car said 745.....

I know there should be a moral to my story I am just not sure what angle to go at here.....

Either that the Iphones are intelligent, and super smart that they change themselves and you have no worries of missing out on Time Change again......

OR....

They are incredibly Dumb!! That when you change the time to Manual mode and Update the time yourself so that you are certain of your outcome, it changes it anyway?? Whats the point of the MANUAL time button then???

Anyway through all of this I had now had time to update you all on my crazy morning as it happened..... and I still have yet to start work..lol!

Happy Time Change!

Professional Wedding Photos

Here are quiet a few Professional Pics from Our Wedding on August 15th 2009. We got Married at my parents place on the Little Shuswap Lake near Chase BC. Mark and I had been together 4 months shy of 10 years when we got married.... Yeah I know ABOUT TIME!!!

Getting Late!!

WOW!!! Its almost 2 in the morning where has the time gone?? I guess I will leave the Honeymoon pics till tomorrow..... Off to Bed I go. Mark has been there for quiet some time now I think he's lonely (if not he should be) lol!!

Good Night

Wedding Pictures ( Non Professional )

These are just a very very few pics from my Wedding Day! Unfortunately hese are not professional pics which are much nicer but they are pictures none the less and makes it so I have something of interest fot you all to read and see!



The Guys ( my husband is the first one )



The Band



ME!!



One of the 4 HUGE signs my Husband made ( he was so proud of those signs... lol )



The "Get Away Boat"



Head Table ( we DIY'd ALOT of the Wedding! )



Reception Hall ( well half of it )



Cake



Mother Son Dance