The dreaded day has come and gone!

Yesterday was my Expected Due Date and I was dreading this day for many months now. It started out Sad but half way through got pretty good. Friends of our invited us over to hang out and stay busy..... Little did I know that they bought us gifts.... So very nice (not necessary though..) I got a beautiful boutique of 18 roses, and a wonderful Journal. They also bought Mark some chocolates and we played a fun game of Ticket to Ride (which I miserably lost at!)

Its hard to think that 9 Months ago we found out that we were expecting our own bundle of Joy. The plans we had already made in those 4 short weeks following..... Already looking at Strollers, Car Seats, Bedding, Nursery Ideas, Names and even told a few key people. I was on cloud 9, this was really happening.... I was going to be a mother and in 9 long ( so i thought then) months I would be going to the hospital to give birth to a little human that out of Love Mark and I made together. I would be responsible for a life that would mean more to me then my very own.

Obviously that's not how it turned out, instead I am sitting at home blogging about the pain. I miss my baby so very much and wish that he/she was here with me today.
Maybe one day my dreams I had those few weeks will be brought into reality.... For now I just keep trying and waiting to find out when we start a new adventure...

God I pray that you have a healthy baby for Mark and I soon.

We love and miss you very much Peanut.

Memorial Candle

So tonight my Husband and I light a candle in memory of our precious baby. I know that we were supposed to do it yesterday, but we were not at home yesterday.

We lit a Candle and and read 3 poems. One of the Poems is the one below in yesterdays post, and 2 others were ones we found on line. We also listened to a couple of songs as well and just spent some cuddle time on the couch talking about our Peanut. It was a hard thing to do, but very much needed. We both miss our baby so much.

This is one of the songs we listened to...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSYvT-Qv_5w

Also here is a pic of the Candle we lit...

Oct 15th

Today, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Being 1 of the 2,000 women who suffer a pregnancy or infant loss everyday, we are remembering our little one who is with Jesus now. Please join with me and pray for all the women,
fathers and families who are affected by miscarriage, stillbirth or...infant loss each day.

Today is a particularly hard day for me, I am very sad. I went to the Dr's on Wednesday and got told that she believes that I have a lot of PCOS tendencies and that before she is willing to intervene medically that she wants me to loose 30lbs first. I know that I have to loose weight, but 30 lbs.... That could take me like 3 months. I have already waited 15 months, and dont want to wait anymore. I am just sad and want my baby back. I would be 32 weeks today and only have 8 more weeks to wait!! Thats less time then what it could possible take me to loose the weight. Looks like I might have to go through December 10 ( my edd ) without another pregnancy to distract me.

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!

MOMMY AND DADDY MISS YOU VERY MUCH PEANUT!! I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER THE MORNING I SAW THOSE 2 PINK LINES. I WANTED YOU SO BADLY TO STAY HERE WITH US!! LOVE YOU PEANUT!

New Day!

So this Thanksgiving has been hard for me. I keep thinking about the things I dont have ( and should ) but this morning I woke up with a new outlook on things. I have lots to be Thankful for.....

My wonderful and caring HUSBAND
The friends I have made here in Vernon ( such good quality people )
The house we just bought
The new job I have started, and am learning
My Monday night Bible Study ( wow, is all I can say )
Living so close to my parents now (1hr away)
But most important FAMILY who is always there for you when the times are tough and when they are great! Family who never leaves your side! I never had much of this growing up and sure am Thankful for it today.

I cant dwell on the things I don't have and may so desperately want, but look to the things I DO have already! The things that will only be enriched when Mark and I get that family we so desperately want.

Happy Thanksgiving!!! Its Turkey day tomorrow.

I remember thinking that all the holidays would be so exciting this year, especially Christmas. I would have been 31 weeks along for this turkey day, but instead I am still struggling in adding to our family. Its days like these that make it so difficult to understand and accept that this has happened to us...

On a happy not we signed our papers for the house yesterday and now own a 3200 sqft home on 10 acres in Lake Country. I am so happy and excited to move in.... in 2 weeks. So much to do in so little time!

Here is a picture of the back of the house ( just keep in mind its been vacant for a while and needs alot of work)


Also this is our view from the main floor ( you can see Okanagan lake from the main floor)

Sick!!

So I have booked my first appointment with the Fertility clinic in Kelowna for October 13th.... So excited that I am only having to wait 2 weeks to see them, 1 week from today.

I am Sick.... I have 3 clients and all 3 including my supervisor (which I worked with a few times last week) were sick last week, it was inevitable I would get sick too I guess. I hate being sick, but just have to suck it up!

I feel better this week about my time of waiting. Even though nothing really has changed too much. Still waiting on the house and on getting pregnant and on feeling confident in my job. I think though that through my anxiety and stress last week came a growing period for me internally. God is great he gives you adversity that he know will grow you as an individual only for the better. I feel more confident and a lot stronger this week, as I continue to deal with all of this.

Well that's whats new or not new with me this week. Thanks for reading!

Do you see a reaccuring theme?

Its been so busy in my household at the moment ( and not always good stuff ) that I have not had a chance to blog. So here is an update...

I have started a new job, working with Children that have Autism. So far it is really great but so very overwhelming to me at the moment as I am just starting this week. I want through training (which used to be done in 2 weeks is now done in 2 days) which caused serious brain overload!! When I went and watched my first session I felt somewhat better about the techniques, but overwhelmed about all the data to record and how I was going to know all the different programs I have to administer... I start doing my very first session alone on Thursday already.... oh my!

We are also purchasing a house and 10 acres just outside of Vernon ( where we currently live ) and there have also been a few set backs that have come up. It is a pure WAITING game with all of this, and better work out since we have a signed lease agreement with Tenants ( to rent our current home ) for November 1st and will be homeless otherwise.

I also had a dr's appointment last week to discuss 7dpo blood work. I had mentioned to her before that my Lp was a bit on the shorter side and was worried that my progesterone was low. She never was concerned about it before and told me pretty much that I was worrying to much over everything "pregnancy" related. I keep getting told by her to JUST RELAX!! anyway back to the results.. lol. So it turns out that some of my levels INCLUDING progesterone is LOW! We have also hit the 14 month mark since the beginning of TTC ( trying to conceive ) so she has given us a referral to a fertility clinic in Kelowna. I am very excited to go for my first appointment with them, even though they have not called me back yet to schedule one.... Again WAITING!

Sorry for not blogging I will try to be better.... you'll just have to WAIT and see if that works out.... lol! Thought I'd share in my WAITING!